we had a match against queenstown sec. sch.. we lost on penalties..
i seriously swear i made the stupidest mistake i ever made in my soccer history... what i caused the team's morale to plunge.. within 3 mins(i think) of the game.. i actly went to the ball.. dint pick up.. kicked it across the goal.. and the girl whacked into the goal.. seriously it was tantamount to having no gk..
i just felt like i started a chain reaction of poor performance on the rest of my temamates cos b4 that we were having high hopes of having a clean sheet..
the second goal was the same mistake i havent managed to rectify throughout my entire soccer history.. well everytime there's one striker who comes charging straight at me.. i will forget everything and hestitate whether to go up or guard the post.. and yaa i let that small little girl kicked in one goal... then aft the goal went in.. i got that " i can get that ball but why din i get it" feeling...

i used to think myself as a very rational person and unemotional person who never lets her emotions get the better of her(which is myself) but things really proved me wrong in many instances..
once im hitted with a challenge.. i can hold in there.. but i will crumble once someone hits on my soft spot.. when that girl swung her leg against my head.. i felt like just crying and crying non-stop.. it was painful physically.. but i was very very emotional.. and i was tearing for a few mins before i convinced myself to suck in all my emotions..
i shld learn more from jiemin... be more steady or else i will never make it and continue to let my performance stagnate..

damned.. im crying alot these days.. and i totally hate this emo feeling.. i dno how to explain but i know i have alotta barriers i gotta overcome when i return to trng... and i will work on it.. it's psychological because i can do things in trng which i dont do in the match..

one good thing i feel is the increasing exposure and experience im gaining.. i dont feel so raw and im getting more steady...

i wish jing can return to the field.. it feels good seeing those familiar faces when u play.. and with jiemin in frnt of me again.. her assurance really kept me gng in the game although i really felt like giving up and frustrated for bringing it upon the team..

on a last note.. i was inspired by those little girls we played with.. as much as i wish to say that i feel ashamed that i cant even be compared to a secondary sch gk/soccer player.. their performance was highly commendable.. the goalkeeper was even very steady... the strikers really gave all out and took all the chances they had... and even though the side of my head still hurts.. i admire the aggression of that girl had despite me sticking my head on the ball.. and that little girl who sprinted at every single ball she could pounce on..(:

for me now.. when pple tok to me abt it now.. i tear.. it's now not a matter of being unhappy abt things.. but rather calming my nerves and toughen myself up.. and stop crumbling so easily once my soft spot is hit..